This…

22221763_10155190305051312_4502085750159228004_n

Advertisements
Published in: on October 8, 2017 at 5:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

Forgiveness

Is a gift you give to yourself.

It changes your direction and purpose. I’m on a positivity mission now. But I’ve always been a rebel. Floating upstream.

You can live in the world, but not be ‘of the world.’ I’m supposed to be salt and light. It’s easier now that things are darker. To divorce from the world and the way it’s going. Much easier to separate from real hatred and chaos. Funny how that works.

God came in and washed the bitterness away. I feel lighter. Alot more hopeful. Not so mean. Or quick to take offense. Better way to live it. I’m not deserted. There’s life outside the cave. Sunny and bright. Not dark and moldy. I can stretch out here and smile. And that’s a good day.

Published in: on October 8, 2017 at 5:03 pm  Leave a Comment  

Thy Kingdom Come

Thy Will be done. On earth, as it is in heaven. I’ve been praying these words alot lately. They’re like, the bottom line. What else can we pray, really? They pretty much cover everything. Everything good and perfect comes from Him. In Him there is no darkness or shadow of turning. God is good. Heaven is good. I mean, think about your idea of heaven for a minute. No more night. No more pain. No more tears. Etc. There are no drugs or addictions in heaven. No separation. No violence. Just Peace. Jesus, Prince of Peace, sits at the right hand of the Father, when he’s not rejoicing over us with singing. I have grandbabies. I do that last thing alot. Cuz I adore them. But anyway…

Jesus said that when we pray we should pray this way. So think about it. If we should pray “Thy will be done on earth,” then it must not happen automatically. People like to ask “where was God when this happened?” And “why do bad things happen to good people?”

Maybe it’s because God gave US all authority to pray in Jesus name. He works thru us now. He doesn’t just get His way. There are evil forces in this world.

I don’t know, but I do know it helps me. To pray and ask for Earth to become more like Heaven. To think about my requests releasing The Lord of Heaven’s Armies down here on our behalf. It takes the pressure off. I may not know His will. But He sure does. And I ask Him to manifest it here today. Cuz its obvious we need it. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Published in: on October 5, 2017 at 11:57 pm  Leave a Comment  

Drugs

Have done a number on me. I’ve lost all my bottom teeth. Cuz stress makes me clench my jaw, and teeth can crack under that kind of pressure. I trained myself not to do that after a while. At work I’d make myself leave my mouth open just a little. It helped the jaw pain. But not the teeth.

And speaking of jobs, I lost that too. I couldn’t deal with stress on two fronts. So I’d forget to put on my cutting glove. No matter that the 5 bakery managers before my last one didn’t concern themselves with cutting gloves, much. No matter that my glove hand was usually palm down on the stainless steel work table, cuz the hand with the knife was cutting straight down into cake. Rules are rules. Even if you do have stress induced brain fog. Nobody cares that you just lost your daughter, and 2 amazing grandgirls. Or that your home is suddenly empty and you’re totally alone. Nope. Rules are more important than the fact that you’re barely hanging on. Cutting gloves are much more important than the actual lives of actual people. I wonder what I’d be making per hour if I had been able to keep that job. What my retirement nest egg and stock earnings would be. It’s depressing. But early retirement was better than being fired and losing everything.

I guess I lost a lot of faith, cuz it’s hard to get prayers answered anymore. I still pray. Just seems like the heavens are silent.

I lost some sanity and a crap ton of trust. Not to mention money. I did gain weight tho. So I guess there’s that.

I’ve lost direction, lost hope that maybe life isn’t always gonna be a struggle. Life is pain, princess. Anybody saying any different is probably trying to sell you something.

Drugs bring their own drama. Gut wrenching, violent, expensive flipping drama. And there is no escape. Nothing to hide in, but food. Can’t drink it away. Or medicate it. Just have to slog thru. With little to no energy. Depression takes that. You wonder when the hammer will fall next, and how much it’s going to cost ya. Drugs make you wake up several times a night to see if your car is in the driveway. They make you hide your purse under your pillow and squirrel away things you don’t wanna lose. You see things in people that are heartbreaking. But they do those things anyway. Those in the wrong, and those who think they’re “right.”

Yep. I’ve lost more than I realize to drugs. And I don’t even take them.

Published in: on October 1, 2017 at 12:40 pm  Leave a Comment  

Jesus Christ, Superstar

Once upon a time there was a little girl, who’s father was a radio DJ. He was really into music. Or I guess he was. One whole wall in their living room was taken up by a gigantic reel-to-reel tape player. It was a long time ago. That girl is getting old. But one thing she can remember blaring out of the bigger-than-she-was speakers from back in the day? A “rock opera.” Jesus Christ, Superstar.

Daily he played it. So daily the suffering and misunderstood Jesus was mocked, tortured and crucified in that little girl’s ears.

Think she mighta grown up with a complex? A deep-seated need to be good? To please God and the Son He sent to save her?

Maybe it’s not a bad thing. Or maybe it messed with everything. There’s a song on there that’s nothing but audio of the 39 lashes Jesus suffered. No lie.

I’m gonna have to go listen to it all again. It’s calling to me. 47 years later.

“He was wounded for my transgressions. He was bruised for my iniquity. The chastisement needful for my peace with God was laid on Him. And by His stripes I am healed.”

Published in: on September 30, 2017 at 11:22 pm  Leave a Comment  

Some Things

I want you to know that I tried really hard to do the best I could with what I had to work with. I know I missed something. Cuz here we are. But my motives were always good. And my hopes were always high. For you. I never even ‘hoped’ for me. I never dreamed for me. But I had dreams for you. They were not based on reality. They were twisted by outside forces. But I always hoped, always trusted. Always believed. And now I can’t anymore. Can’t trust. Can’t hope. And I sure can’t believe. I can still pray tho. After I get thru all the drudge of emotional trauma. Cuz this is more than pain. And it’s set me back. Way back. I never wanted you to go. Til now. And now I’m seeing that you won’t. Because I set you up here. Somethings gotta give, cuz I can’t go on this way. But last time something ‘gave,’ someone lost their life.

Hold me Jesus

I’m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won’t you be my Prince of Peace?

Published in: on September 30, 2017 at 11:00 pm  Leave a Comment  

On writing

I’m just gonna do it, you know? There’s a huge part of me that wants to list every depressing thing that is wrong around here.

The plumbing. The car. The debt. Sick kittens. I mean, when you’re in the middle of it, it seems so big. That car! So loud. I’m thinking everyone has to hear it. A hole in the exhaust cuz someone hit an animal. Its gotta be welded. But getting that done has not happened. Guess I gotta make it happen. I can’t keep waiting for someone else to help me. On so many levels.

The plumbing! Sometimes it smells like my bed is in an outhouse. Let them pull the plug on bath water in the back bathroom. Or even the kitchen sink. And it sends that horrible smell to the back of the house. It’s very demoralizing. I can’t use my bathtub cuz it has crappy water backing up. I hate to even admit that. It’s so nasty.

The debt is just outrageous. I thought I was helping myself by refinancing a loan I’ve had for longer than I care to admit. I didn’t know til I was signing papers that the interest rate is at 46 percent. Is that even legal? More demoralization cuz it’s my own damn fault. I got into this mess. Now I can only get out by taking tiny little bites out of an overwhelming apple. 11 more car payments and I’m free of that. But will my car go much farther after that? Huge question. 206 thousand miles on a 7 year old car. Another brick in the wall. Cuz they weren’t all put on that car by me. For the love of God why can’t I just say I’ve had enough? Enough of being the one who pays and pays and pays for everybody else to have fun. I need shoes so bad. I’d love a haircut. But there’s no wiggle room for those things right now. I see paychecks that should be enough just disappear. I hand it over to others so I’m just working to keep bill collectors at bay. More demoralization.

I know I’m depressed, cuz I live in a crap hole. I gotta change my outlook. THINK POSITIVE. It’s the only way out. But I’ve been sludging thru this muck for so long that my feet are getting heavy.

And that’s because I’m fat. Period. I don’t do anything to relieve this bondage but eat. It’s the only thing I can give myself. My only consolation. But. BUTT. That’s killing me. Cuz I don’t listen to the voice that says I really would love the cottage cheese with fruit mixed in. Or maybe I listen, but then the other voice says ” you can’t afford that.” So I pick something unhealthy, but free.

Yesterday I sat like a zombie for most of the day. This morning I almost didn’t do the whole “put one foot in front of the other” thing that I make myself do. I took a shower contemplating skipping work. But 8 hours lost on my paycheck will topple this house of cards. It’ll take me a month and a trip to advance america to get back on track. So I tried to meditate and shut out the voices in my head. I gave myself one hour. But I had a better day. I didn’t think I could stop those voices. It took a while. I’ve been so wound up with one thing or another. The car. The cats. The bills. The job. The money. The money. The money.

Lord Jesus help me please. I gotta get this crap fixed. I need help. But no one is offering. My best, my only, helper moved away.

So anyway, I embraced that damn loud ass car all the way home. I kept things light at work. (Which is harder than anybody knows.) I let them drive my car to a *JOB INTERVIEW* (jazz hands) even thought I swear every single morning they will never drive it again.

I forgot how therapeutic writing can be. I’m thankful no one reads me, cuz I can vent here in peace, without worrying that someone is thinking I’m only posting this garbage for pity. That’s not it. I have to peek out from under my rock every now and then. So here it is.

I will find the positive. I will keep believing. And things will get better. Bear with me til then. Cuz I’m gonna be here hollering about the injustices of life til something breaks or changes. Cheers!

Published in: on September 15, 2017 at 9:22 pm  Leave a Comment  

Ok

30 day challenge didn’t happen. I missed 3 days in a row. Trying to save some kitties who were dying. So far we’re 50/50. 2 alive, 2 not so much. It’s been depressing. Yesterday was a very bad day. You can’t hardly force a cat to live if it has made up is mind not to. But I’m still trying. I’m not a cat person.

Dogs I can figure out. I would have noticed puppies in distress before it was essentially too late. I coulda made a mush they would have eaten. But these cats… Like I said, they pretty much made up their minds not to live. Kitten replacer formula is trying to change that.

So that’s my excuse for missing 3 days of my 30 day challenge. I’ll try to make up for it today.

Published in: on September 15, 2017 at 8:50 pm  Leave a Comment  

I need to write more

So today, 09/11/2017, I’m laying down a 30 day challenge. To write a little something everyday til 10/11/2017.

To update: I still live in Lacey, and work in G’ville. I still do cake. I decided in 2011 to give up on men. Or maybe it was 2012. All I really remember is making that deal with God – get this man out of my life and I promise, I’ll become a nun. I’ll do that thing where people whip themselves as they crawl toward that Jesus statue in Brazil on their knees. Just please Lord save me from myself again. My man-pickin gene is defective and my patience is gone. The loves of my life come to my house every other Sunday. They are way more than enough for me.

So there’s cake, and there’s chickens. And grandkids. There’s no time or patience for men. But I do need a fix it person. I have alot of fixing to do. So far no luck on that tho. My sons help me fix what they can.

SO. 30 day challenge begun. I’m ready to do this!

Published in: on September 11, 2017 at 5:57 pm  Leave a Comment  

Here’s mud in yer eye

Remember the story of the blind man that was brought to Jesus so He could heal him? And Jesus spit on the man’s eyes? He asked the man if he could see and the guy said he saw “men like trees walking.” So Jesus placed His hands on the man’s eyes again and they were opened and then he could see. I feel like I’m stuck in that moment in between.  Right now I see men like trees walking. I’m not totally blind anymore, but there’s so much I don’t see. I’m in desperate need of some clarity. 

I know my Father loves me. I can see that He sent His son to be the Lamb that takes away the sin of the world. I know by His stripes we’re healed. I understand I’m a joint heir now and when God looks at me He sees me in Christ. My hope of glory. But there’s more. I’m metaphorically color blind. The detail… the glorious shades of His love – I see men like trees walking. Lord, I need You to place Your hands on the eyes of my heart one more time, so I can see You and Your love 20/20.

(The story is in Mark 8:22-25)

Published in: on August 6, 2016 at 9:47 pm  Leave a Comment