let it burn

my house almost burned down last night. Crazy. Seems a (nother) thermostat in the water heater went out. Only this one almost took everything with it. The fire dept came and disconnected the wiring. So all we really had was a stink in the house for a day. Considering what coulda happened… we are really lucky.

Just makes it more evident to me that I need to get out of this place. I’d already be gone if it wasn’t for the 2 extra dogs I have…. and now a kitty. I figure a landlord might let me squeak by with my older golden retriever. She has a white face so she looks even older than she is. No threat to walls or carpets. She’s been potty trained forever and only has a few teeth left so she’s not gonna chew.

The thing that seals this for me is the landlord and his “fix.” He didn’t get a new water heater. He just changed out the thermostat. Which might sound ok…. but he’s been changing thermostats out on that thing for several years now. Maybe he needs to replace the frickin’ water heater….. Seeing the charred thing he took out made me wanna throw up.

I really really need to move.

Life, Love and Happiness

I just wrote about life in the post below…. so this one’ll focus on the other 2. They kinda go together 🙂

I still love my BF…. that hasn’t changed. They say romances have stages. The first 5 or 6 months being the honeymoon stage. Then things start coming up. Issues…. In the honeymoon stage all is bliss. We don’t ever show up without make-up or have bad hair days in that stage. Well… I’ve shown up without make-up more than once cuz my mom has been really sick. So sick I didn’t know if she was gonna make it or not. When things like that happen, and life gets split in 2…. you’re running home from work to take a stab at laundry and vacuuming, then running to the hospital, or stopping by their house to make sure you’re gonna have one more day with the most important person in your world… some things fall by the wayside.

I have to say that K has been awesome thru all of this. He’s made me dinner countless times…. let me cook for them at his house… let me crash at his house between visitation times in ICU…. He’s been strong for me when I really needed someone’s strength. I never knew someone who knew what I needed before i do… but K does. it’s freaky. What’s also freaky is that he can tell when I’m upset or sad. Living my life on one side of the river, then rushing to the other to do what I can has made me feel a little fragile. There are days when I feel like if someone breathed on me wrong I’d shatter. There’s alot to keep up with on my side… but if I don’t get to THEIR’s and something happens… that would haunt me forever. But mom is getting better now. We’ve made up a schedule so I know when I’ll be here, and when I’ll be there.

He still hasn’t said the L word tho! (lol) But he tells me I’m special and beautiful…. so I am not complaining. Except when he tells K2 and K3 he loves THEM…… (they’ve bonded)  🙂

I know the L that I’m waiting for is different…. and he really is awesome around my kids. K3 is his absolute shadow when they’re together. I think that’s awesome, cuz even if I’d never tell him this, I’d love for my kiddos to have an example of a real, normal man. Not someone eaten up with whatever it is that’s got their “father.”

My bf does have alot of people leaning on him tho…. They depend on the dependable…. to those who take responsibility seriously…. more responsibility is given. Wanted or not. He has alot of weight on his shoulders. I hope he lets me lighten the load a little….. it’s what I want to do. He’s pretty stubborn and set in his ideas of what his “jobs” are.

But when you get called in to work 6 or 7 days a week and get so tired  you can’t stay awake… being worn out makes room for someone else to come in and cook supper, or do a little laundry or sweep the floors. Funny thing about that is: at least I have a purpose again. Someone to take care of – since all my kids seem bent on living their own lives.

I hope it lasts a long, long time………..

I didn’t know….

anybody was still reading. lol. Kinda nice to know I was wrong.

So now July is almost over. My K1 has left the nest. I haven’t seen him or heard his voice in like…. 2 weeks. our only conversations have been via text message. It’s a good sign if they can stand on their own 2 feet without the mom. Right?

That’s what I thought.

We went thru hell again with a certain ykw recently. Cuz there was a pic on  K2’s myspace that “made him cry.” I think 3 different people told him that pic was not depicting what he thought it was… but it didn’t seem to matter. So he smeared his judgement and condemnation all over us again. But I think this time we came out much stronger. It was inspiring to hear K2 tell him to go to hell. I think I might be able to do that now too. he’s worthless. and 5 months behind on child support. hahahaha….. that kinda shoots his “I’m just trying to teach them responsibility” arguments right down the toilet. you can’t teach what you don’t know.

as for k3…. he’s supposed to live here now. Haven’t seen him in a while either. But it IS summer… so maybe he’ll come home soon. He did drop by work the other day. He needed 5 bucks to take his license exam for a motorcycle. ykw came to my house and made this big scene about how he’d “let” K3 live with me if he went to church with him on Sundays. Whatever. The kid is 15…..

I can’t believe it’s taken 5 really tough years to finally get out from under his bs. How slow am I?? That’s how deep all that shit was ingrained in me. I really always thought he was better than me. Smarter…. more Godly…

How stupid was I? Just cuz he is a “man??” Cuz if we are talking stability – I have the greater success. I am financially more stable. More stable job-wise. More compassionate, supportive and available for my children.  Obviously more stable emotionally. And spiritually?????? That’s the world’s biggest joke. he still thinks he has the right to be God’s policeman….. I would go so far as to say that he may KNOW Bible verses…. but he sure doesn’t live ’em.

If success is measured in how many people you can get to believe the lie you pass off as your life tho – there he’s got me beat.

(And HOW did we frickin get off on THAT subject?)