Something new

I’ll try n take you with me.

Losing my son has affected everything. There is no grief like losing a child. Even if he was 29 when he went Home. I’ve lost my mom. My little sister. My 13 month old grand son. And it hurt every time. But losing Jon has sent me to my room. My bed. This weight can’t be carried for long stretches. I have to rest in between. I’m good for maybe 1 task a day.

One thing I didn’t know was how it would affect my physical body. My heart broke – figuratively and literally. In one way, going thru this has made me face some things. See – I didn’t really care if I lived or died until a Dr told me my EKG was abnormal. That I could have possibly had a heart attack and not known. I had to choose, then: live or die. Up until that point I really didn’t care one way or the other. But when they tell you your heart shows some damage – you gotta decide.

So I decided for life. On Jon’s birthday I felt very strongly that he wanted me to live. That morning as I wrote out a post for Facebook, the last line came to life and it was like he was sitting beside me on my bed like he did almost every day.

“Nah uh, Mama. You gotta live.”

I’ve got alot to live for. I thought about Jon’s son. My other grandkids. They’re some of the few people who’s love I don’t have to guess at. They’re very vocal about it. They love me and let me know they need me. They don’t play silly games. They just do it. And I wanna watch them grow.

So I guess I’m doing life again. With a blood pressure monitor and an echo cardiogram. Possibly medication for high cholesterol and a borderline A1c. And NO SALT.

I can figure out how to operate from here. With God’s help. He is still with me. He never left. He never will.

So thanks Jon, for the heads up. It was a gift. I know I’ll see you soon. But while we’re separated – I’m gonna do my best to live.